


Take Me to Church

by meet_me_behind_the_mall



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Character Study, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Introspective Shelby, Lesbian, Sexuality, Supportive Toni
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:14:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29085216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meet_me_behind_the_mall/pseuds/meet_me_behind_the_mall
Summary: “When did you know?”“You have a bad habit of asking me half-questions, Texas. When did I know what?”“When did you know that you liked girls?”Or: Four vignettes of Shelby exploring her sexuality with Toni’s gentle guidance.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 18
Kudos: 239





	Take Me to Church

**Author's Note:**

> I have enjoyed so many wonderful fics exploring Shelby’s sexuality, but I haven’t read one where she actually says the words, so I wanted to try my hand at it! I hope you enjoy.

Toni was surprised that the topic of Shelby’s sexuality hadn’t come up earlier. She was half expecting Shelby to interrupt their first time with some sort of religious crisis, or at least bring it up afterward. Instead, she had yet to say much of anything besides her shy insinuation that she did in fact like their time together (which was already evident to Toni by the number of orgasms the blonde had enjoyed). That evening, Shelby managed the courage to talk to Toni. While it was a conversation they need to have–and ended in a pretty breathtaking kiss on the bluff–it didn’t answer all of her questions.

Toni was unusually calm about the entire ordeal. She treasured her time with Shelby but sometimes she still felt a blanket of tension around them; something not altogether bad, but definitely unresolved. She sensed that what Shelby needed was patience and she was more than willing to give it to her.

Six days after the lychee tree, Toni found herself nestled against the Texan on the sand as they watched the waves crash into the shore. They were technically within eyeshot of the other girls, so Toni resisted the urge to hold Shelby’s hand. She busied herself instead with letting the sand fall between her fingers.

“When did you know?” Shelby’s bright voice pulled Toni out of her lull.

“You have a bad habit of asking me half-questions, Texas. When did I know what?”

Shelby scrunched her nose at the pet name. “When did you know that you liked girls?”

“When I was thirteen, I went to my first party and we played spin the bottle. I remember because I was the only kid in eighth grade who didn’t have to sneak out of the house to go. I didn’t have much of a family to tell me not to go, so I just went,” she said with a sad smile.

“Anyway, when it was my turn, Martha kept nudging me and making eyes at Brett Johnston, like she wanted me to kiss him. Brett was like the cutest boy in school, but I was praying it would land on Mia Thompson. That made it pretty obvious that I liked girls.”

“Well? Who’d it land on?”

“God, neither,” she chuckled. “I had to kiss Grant Baker, who tried to feel me up and wouldn’t leave me alone for like the next six months.”

“You are pretty irresistible,” Shelby said with a smirk.

The couple fell silent and Toni found herself wanting to ask the same question back but thought better of it. This was clearly something Shelby was struggling with and probing her might make it worse.

“I had a friend, a best friend. Her name was Becca.” Toni immediately noticed that Shelby described her in the past tense but brushed it off as she considered that perhaps the friendship had just ended naturally.

“She was so freakin’ pretty. I would always bug her to let me do her hair, sayin’ I needed to practice a hairstyle for a pageant or something. She’d always say yes and I’d always let my hand brush her neck for a second too long.” Shelby paused for a moment, clearly reminiscing.

“But now that I let myself think about it, there were others before her. All girls with wild brown hair,” she said fondly, finally meeting Toni’s eyes. “In fifth grade, I got in trouble for pulling on Charlotte James’ braids. I guess I just wanted to touch ‘em and then didn’t want to let go.”

Toni could sense that this was big for Shelby: the roundabout admission that she did have and always had had feelings for other women. She was trying to find a way to respond that acknowledged what Shelby had disclosed but didn’t push her any further.

“Everyone’s story is different. It sounds like your story involved a lot of hair-touching.”

Shelby chuckled with her, but her smile didn’t meet her eyes. “Do you think…do you think it might be both?”

Thankfully Toni was able to decode Shelby’s half-question this time: _do you think it might be that I’m attracted to both men and women_?

Toni nodded, “it might be.”

“How do I know if it is?”

“Honestly, Shelby, I don’t think that’s something I can tell you. It’s something only you know. But it’s okay if you don’t know right away or even if you don’t know at all.”

Shelby didn’t say anything in reply, just leaned further into Toni and rested her head on her shoulder.

*****

Toni noticed Shelby ruminating over the next few days. In some ways, it felt similar to how she acted after their first kiss: she was reserved and usually lost in thought. The difference was that she didn’t pull away from Toni this time and actually leaned on her for support. Toni again understood that Shelby would approach her when she was ready, so she didn’t pressure her to talk. Instead, she used the opportunity to show her how much she cared in other ways. She snuck in forehead kisses when the other girls weren’t looking, saved her a spot next to the fire, and volunteered to help her with her island chores. That was how Toni found herself wringing out laundry next to Shelby, even though only the blonde was assigned to it.

Toni held up a powder-pink cropped sweatshirt as she cleaned it.

“You wore this one at the beginning, right? This shit looked good on you, but I guess everything does.”

Shelby blushed at the very Toni-esque compliment. Her green eyes lingered on Toni’s a moment longer than usual.

“I hope you don’t mind me askin’,” Shelby started suddenly. Toni shook her head gently to encourage her. “Why do you say you’re gay instead of a lesbian?”

“It just works for me, I guess. It feels right,” she replied, laying the sweater on a rock to dry. “Sometimes I describe myself as queer when I’m with other queer people, but mostly I just say that I’m gay.”

Shelby followed along. She didn’t look uncomfortable, just introspective. Toni got the inkling that she was looking for something more, so she continued.

“Honestly, the label doesn’t mean much for me. I just kind of, am, I guess.”

“I just sorta thought that a label or a name or somethin’ might help me figure out all of this,” Shelby lamented, gesturing between the two girls and then to her own head.

Toni nodded, “I think labels can do that for a lot of people, like give them something to identify with. It can also help them find people with similar identities going through similar shit.”

The conversation paused for a minute as the girls continued the laundry and Toni wracked her brain for how to explain further.

“I never really thought about it this way, but I guess I was kind of lucky about the whole thing. Like, sure, people gave me shit for liking girls and a few of my foster families got all weird about it, but I never really had to agonize over the whole thing. I just sort of knew and went with it.”

“That must have been nice,” Shelby half-laughed half-groaned.

“God, sorry if that made it worse. I guess what I’m getting at is that it’s different for everyone, but that doesn’t make it any less valid.”

“Thank you, Toni, for trying and being so patient. You mean a lot to me and I don’t want to mess it up with all my stewin’.”

It was clear that Shelby was working hard to sort through her feelings and Toni was damn proud of her for it. She’d heard pieces of the hatred her church and family spewed, and she couldn’t imagine how difficult it had been for Shelby to pretend to fit into that mold for so long.

“Stew all you need to. Time is about the only thing we have going for us on this hell-hole of an island, so you might as well use it. I’m not going to rush you,” she replied with a gentle kiss to her lips.

*****

Ten days later, Toni and Shelby were sprawled out in the sand, facing the stars. Rachel was on fire duty down the beach and the other girls were asleep in the make-shift shelter. Shelby had surprised Toni with a make-up planetarium field trip. She pointed out the constellations that she learned from Nora and Dot and Toni chimed in with some stories Martha had told her about the stars.

“Lookin’ at the sky always makes me feel small, but not like I’m meaningless. More like it’s so vast that it can’t help but swallow up my worries. Do you know what I mean?” Shelby asked.

“I think I kinda do, babe,” Toni replied. They fell into silence again and Toni was almost asleep when she felt Shelby lean over her. She opened her eyes and met Shelby’s gaze. She had her teeth wedged into her bottom lip and the cross around her neck twisted into her hands.

“Do you mind that I still wear this?” Shelby blurted, pointing to her necklace.

“Why would I?” Toni asked, still half-asleep.

“Sometimes I feel like this,” she motioned to the cross, “and this,” she motioned to their intertwined hands, “are on two different planets. Like I don’t deserve to wear the necklace when I’m with you, or maybe it’s like I don’t deserve to be with you when I’m wearin’ the necklace. God, that sounds bad, I don’t know.”

That woke Toni right up and she scrambled for the right words. “I don’t really know much about that shit, but I know there’s people out there who do both. Like, the religion thing and the gay thing, I don’t think they’re mutually exclusive. My basketball coach is a raging lesbian who keeps a Bible in her desk. Hell, there are churches in the city waving rainbow flags."

“Really? I can’t even imagine that.”

“You need to get out of Texas, Texas.”

“Maybe I do,” she whispered. She let her head drop against Toni’s chest and she responded instinctively by wrapping her arms around her. After a moment, it was Toni’s turn to break the silence.

“Thank you, Shelby.”

“For what?”

“For being you and for trusting me with the real you. I see you and you’re so beautiful.” The parallel between these words and what she had muttered after the disastrous shelter-building competition was not lost on her.

“Thank you, babe. You’re so sappy, you know that?”

“Mmm, don’t tell the others. I have a reputation to maintain.” Toni felt Shelby giggle and then relax against her chest. It wasn’t until she noticed the blonde’s breathing steady that she let herself drift off, too.

*****

It happened only two days later, on a trip to get more lychees. There was no preamble, no introduction, just Shelby’s voice interrupting their quiet walk.

“Toni?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m a lesbian.”

Toni’s gut instinct was to say something along the lines of _no shit_ but thankfully she was able to stop herself. Instead, she felt a wide smile creep across her face as wrapped her girlfriend in a tight hug.

“I’m so proud of you, Shelb,” she whispered into the crook of her neck. She knew that Shelby admitting those words to her was a huge step but admitting them to herself was probably an even bigger step.

“You were a big part of me gettin’ here, Toni.”

“Nah, babe. This was all you.”

Toni leaned her head back slightly so she could look Shelby in the eye. She searched her emerald gaze and found a gentle peace that she hadn’t seen in the girl before.

“I know, but having you here helped a lot. And I don’t just mean that having a gorgeous lesbian on the island made me all sorts of hot n’ bothered and questioning everything I thought to be true.” Toni cocked an eyebrow and smirked. “But also just havin’ you to talk to and ask questions and stuff. Thank you, Toni.”

“You’re so welcome, babe. Now come here.” She guided Shelby’s chin toward her and melded their lips together. At first, it was gentle and tender like they were passing something sacred between them. Slowly the serene heat turned to a burning flame and Shelby pressed her tongue against Toni’s. She responded by running her hands under her shirt, brushing against her sides.

“Can I touch you?” Toni asked, “I really want to touch you, but I don’t want to ruin the moment.”

“Yes, please.”

Toni grinned and continued her mission, tossing Shelby’s mesh top aside. Shelby followed suit, pulling Toni’s tank top and sports bra off in a single motion. Toni enjoyed the familiar sight of Shelby’s eyes glazing over at the sight of her chest.

“Yup, I really am gay,” she giggled, caressing Toni’s chest happily.

“And I’m so fucking glad you are.”

**Author's Note:**

> Shelby has such a beautiful story with her queerness, so I hope I did it some justice and treated the issues appropriately. My story is more similar to Toni’s (in fact Toni and I are very similar in general), but I really felt like Shelby’s narrative needed to be told.
> 
> I couldn’t resist naming Toni’s first crush Mia, just as a little ode. I respect the actress’s privacy and right to their own sexualities, separate from their characters. I hope you enjoy and leave a comment!


End file.
